It's just the way that we were

How do you sum up a lifelong friendship in a single conversation? How do I explain the person I called my "brother from another mother" for several decades? Whatever I write, whatever wordsmith skills I have, simply won't do it justice. I don't know how to, but I'll try.

I just know that I can state with absolute certainty that this world, in it's current sad state, has lost one of it's best people at a time when it needs people like him the most.

We met in seventh grade at South Seminole Middle School. I believe the year was actually 1982. I don't know why he befriended me, I was moody and 12, but he did. He also introduced me to another life long friend, Ken Cattafi, that year and my own personal three amigos was formed before the movie with the same name came out.

I tell people that Jose was my best friend, but my wording can be misleading if you don't understand my definition of the word. I have been blessed with many good friends in my life whom I consider my best friends. On my worst days I know that have good people who care about me and would help me in a heartbeat if I asked and I would do the same.

But I say he was my best friend it's because he was simply the best at being the exact friend I needed when I needed it. He was there for so many important parts of my life, good or bad, without fail. He would pick me up when I needed moral support, and be brutally honest when I was about to make a stubborn or bullheaded mistake. All without judgement. I spent a lot of time trying to live up to the person that he believed that I could be.

He is one of those truly rare people that everyone likes, because he is genuine and really cares about people. You can't fake that and people can tell if you are. This is why he was, and still is, loved by so many people.

I always tell the story about how we went to New Orleans for Mardi Gras one year and the first restaurant we went to we ran into someone who knew him. I just kept asking him "how is it we're in another freaking state and people still know who you are?!"

That past few years we have been different. We've had pretty much the exact interaction every time we see each other. He sees me and acts completely shocked that I actually got out of the house. He then gives me several minutes of grief about never seeing him. I then in turn would respond by telling him that once again he didn't tell me that he had been in the hospital again and give him several minutes of grief about it.

It's all just a dance of course, we're guys and we won't just say out loud that we love, miss and worry about each other.

Here's the part that has always confused me. With as many people that like him, as popular as he was and with all the friends that he had, why do I mean that much to him? Why does he miss me when he has so much else in his life? I always walk away wondering what the hell does he see in me that I don't?

This may seem like a self centered turn, but I am actually getting to a point. There are very few bonds in this life that mean this much. Many people are genuinely lucky to have a single friendship like this in a lifetime. When that person leaves us there is a deep gaping hole left in your soul that you don't think can ever be filled again.

There is a lesson here, treasure the time you have with your friends and family because all the minutes count. I think of Jose and remember him as my best man. I remember singing "Paradise by the Dashboard light" at the top of our lungs at 4 in the morning after drinking all night. I also remember sitting around doing absolutely nothing because it was so much better than doing nothing alone.

I remember the last text he sent me "don't know why but hearing cult of personality and thought of you. Hello"

The last time I saw him, I told him that I loved him, I told him that I always miss him and that I now had proof that I was right to worry about him. I'm glad I said it.

It was all great memories, even the bad times, because I had a friend with me that I knew would always be with me. I was wrong about that. But his memory and friendship will always be with me. And I know he's in a better place now.

I still love him, still miss him, but I don't have to worry about him anymore.

The art of Writing

I love writing, sadly though, I am not the type to do so easily. My brain goes a million miles an hour faster than my fingers can type and tends to wander away when it gets bored waiting. Worse yet I'm a perfectionist and if it doesn't come out as if it has already been edited by a team of anal retentive editors I'm not able to write it. My rough drafts in High school were simply written in pencil instead of ink.

But there is more to writing than just putting your thoughts on paper (or on a Kindle). You have to be able to get the thought across in a way people appreciate and comprehend. It has to be more than just an idea, you have to purvey an emotion they can relate with too.

Figuring out what good writing actually "is" can actually be quite easy, but most people don't read enough anymore to appreciate it. Sure, just like any art form it's subjective and open to interpretation, but there is a standard that most can agree on.

Here is an easy way to learn the difference between bad and good writing. Get a copy of 50 Shades of Gray. Read as much as you can and you'll see why most fan fiction never makes it into print (even the really good ones). The is no depth to the characters or writing, the story is weak and everyone walks away feeling worse after it's done. Sure, the subject matter catches people's interest but even then she makes it about as sexy as Donald Trump opening his robe and saying "does the Donald make you hot bitch?"

Now after suffering through that book, pick up A Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams. You won't get 20 pages in before you are floored by the mastery of the language employed by the author. It's hard not to go "Medieval person seeing technology" when you read it. What is this word magic this man uses? It must be the devil. It's really that much better than 50 Shades of Inaccurate. My friends, you just went from stale crackers to Filet Mignon, and it's the type that's wrapped in bacon too.

One of the tricks I've learned is that you can't just "say" what you want to convey. You have to add something to it to really get the point across. Here is an example, that is actually based on a funny post I read on Facebook. Have ever been so hungry that you ate an entire bag of chips and then poured the crumbs into your hand and shoved them into your mouth? Well, most people would simply write that they gobbled them down or something to that effect. Well a good writer would write something on the lines of "I that one split second when my lips touched my palm I realized that I was both the nervous but ravenous deer and at the same time I was the young girl cautiously extending her hand filled with food to win the trust of the docile animal"  

See the difference, it's subtle but it's there. It's all about the nuance my friends.
  

Politics - The conversation we dread but need to have

I've noticed that when an election is getting closer the posts on social media get more and more insulting and rude. Sadly, you would think that after the election is over people would be magnanimous about their victory but it's typically open season to be bad sports about it. Why be gracious when you can show your ass faster than a drunk stripper? So what we usually end up with is a bunch of insulted people regardless of who wins.

There are a few things that I have the benefit of observing from my position as an independent. Just to clarify and in the spirit of full disclosure, this is what I mean by Independent:

• I have not joined the Republican or Democratic parties in all of my years of voting and never intend to choose one.
• I agree with some policies of both major parties and disagree with some policies of both parties. 
• This does not mean I don't care, in fact I do more research and fact checking than most people. 
• This does not mean I am "unpatriotic" as the founding Fathers never intended for a two party system to exist, if anything that makes me retro-patriotic which is cooler. 
• I am not a "fence sitter" I vote in every election, even the less exciting mid-term elections. 

Here are three things that I would like everyone to consider. I could state sources and back all of my points up with statistical, quantitative and qualitative proof, but that would be contrary to my intent. I just want everyone who reads this to think about what I'm saying and tone down the rhetoric a little and be a little more respectful to each other, I don't expect everyone to agree with me. I know this will completely fail with some of the people who read it.

1. Political beliefs are opinion, not fact. That's why we don't call them politic facts. Sure, we can pretty much universally agree that murder and rape should be illegal, but even then, these a group consensus and not a factual thing that HAS to happen. Both parties want the things that they believe are best for our nation, or at least best for themselves. Liberals are open to new behavior or opinions and willing to discard traditional values, conservatives believe in holding to traditional attitudes and values and are cautious about change or innovation.
   Neither would like to admit this, but both are needed for a society to thrive. Adapting to change while holding on to values that a society deems important is a trait of societies that last for long periods of time. No change leads to stagnation and too much change too quickly leads to societies breaking up. This is seen time and time again throughout history, I'm not giving examples, pick up a history book and see what I mean. 
2. People who don't agree with you are not all idiots. Sure there are more than a few uneducated and uninformed voters out there, but just because someone doesn't agree with you doesn't mean they are all stupid. They may have completely valid reasons to feel differently than you do, that doesn't mean they are wrong. A farmer in a rural area is going to have very different needs and values than a single mother who lives in a city. Neither is wrong to have their values or opinions based on their needs. Why should someone consider one of them to be stupid for having their opinion? 
3. You're never going to form a complete opinion unless you talk with someone with an opposing opinion. If you spend all of your time talking to people you agree with you'll never understand someone else's reasons and logic. It's a lot easier to talk with people who agree with you and give you even more reasons to confirm your opinion. But what if you're not seeing the big picture? Why not talk to someone with a different opinion and see why they have the opposing view. If you discuss your opinions and not attack each other, you might both learn something. 

Social media makes it really easy to say things that you would never say to a person's face. And it's very easy to assume that everyone that disagrees with you is an idiot. But the fact of the matter is, not everyone who supports a candidate does so for the reasons you think. Sure there are the fringe crazies in both parties that won't let reason or reality get in the way of their vote, but most people have legitimate reasons for their opinions. Talk with them, you might be surprised what you both learn from each other.

The founding fathers of our country did not see eye to eye on many issues, the Constitution was not written overnight, it too years in fact and even then the Bill of Rights was added afterwards. These men argued at length until a middle ground that was most fair for all Americans was found. That's what our country needs to do, to debate and discuss the issues and stop insulting each other because its stupid, unproductive and a childish playground mentality. If our electorate is uneducated about the issues it will be very easy for the lowest elements in politics to take advantage of them. That's what they're doing now, and we're letting them.

Sometimes I'm so smart I scare myself

Sometimes I'm so smart I scare myself.

I know that you're probably thinking "wow, that's a remarkably arrogant statement you're making...dick." Sure, I understand that reaction considering that it's an expression that many of you had heard before. Also, it's important to remember that any person who is actually intelligent knows better than to tell people they are intelligent. If you do, you'll forever be burdened by people calling you a "know it all" for anything you say or worse they try to prove they are just as smart by constantly debating you or correcting you (often with completely wrong information). But I digress.

Most of you are likely not looking at my comment in the literal sense which it was intended. I mean to say that I literally scare myself when something smart unexpectedly comes out of my mouth.

As an example, if we're watching Jeopardy and I'm happily answering along with the contestants I'm perfectly fine until one of my kids points it out. As soon as the words "Dad how do you know all this stuff?" hits my ears it sends me into a tail spin. I don't know why I am a fount of useless trivia? Could I be an android who thinks he's really human but it turns out he was just programmed to think he's real? Could I be like John Travolta in Phenomenon where he's gets super smart because of a cosmic flash he sees in the sky but it turns out to be a terminal brain tumor. Could I be smart from a brain tumor too? Oh crap do I have a terminal brain tumor!?!

I guess you can see where this is leading. I underestimate myself most of the time, and I might be slightly paranoid.

But I'm writing this to make a point not just to (hopefully) get a laugh from some of you. I've always wanted my life to be an example of determination and ironclad proof of what faith and optimism can overcome. Other days I realize that my life is dangerously close to being a "cautionary tale" that people can use to steer their kids in the right direction.

My point is this, I may forget that I am intelligent because my life and career don't demand that I use my greater faculties. But my IQ has not changed, and it's there to use if I want to.

I've learned that your circumstances in life can wear you down. A daily grind at a McJob and living paycheck to paycheck is all too familiar to a lot of people. Even a good life at home raising children or a decent job supporting your family can wear us down or make us too busy to remember our dreams or our talents.

I am actually acting in a play. A real play, that is intelligently written and we have a great director too. I am acting with an incredibly talented cast who were, thankfully, kind and welcoming to someone as inexperienced as I am. Acting in this play has been a blast and best of all, I don't suck at it. (Yes, I understand that this is dangerously close to humblebragging but I am getting to a point, I promise.)

It took a good friend of mine to convince me to go out and audition. I no longer saw that talent in myself, but she did. I also thought it was selfish to take time away from my family, but they're actually proud of me and happy to see me doing it. Do the people that count on you want you to be unhappy? Of course not. It never occurred to me before but what better lesson can I teach my children than to do something to make myself better. Besides, don't the people you love deserve the best version of you?

Take few minutes every week to remember the things you are good at, the things you enjoy doing, and the things that bring you bliss. Then do something shocking...find time to do them. Talents may get rusty if they are unused but they will never go away.

Every life is a story. Don't judge your life based on the chapter you are in. Start writing the next chapter yourself...and don't take as long a George R R Martin.

"When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me'." - Erma Bombeck

Facebook offenders

I have to admit that as much as I enjoy a majority of what I read on Facebook there are some things that annoy the hell out of me. I love updates about friends and family and funny posts that people share, so it's not a total loss, but there are a few things that make using social media debatable.

Vague Booking - This is the incredibly annoying and passive aggressive act of posting an intentionally vague Facebook status update. Typically prompting people to respond to ask if they are alright. You can't go a week without someone posting a status of "why do my 'friends' talk behind back and backstab me" or something similar. I've taken to responding with an apology because I know damn well they know who they are talking about and it's not me, but my confession should be a very unpleasant surprise. I figure if enough of us respond that way they'll stop or at least be more direct about their complaints. Image a post like that and twenty people responding with "sorry, but we were all sick of your shit"

The Humblebrag - We all have wonderful things happen to us sometimes and sharing is perfectly fine, so Humblebragging doesn't apply to everyone. Maybe it's just vanity, but we all want to feel valued and important, and we want others to share in our accomplishments. Sometimes when the real world doesn’t come through with enough praise for some people, they take to Facebook to look for more. The humblebrag is also sort of a sneaky way of bragging without just straight-forward boasting. Honestly, I can respect a good honest success story, but when someone does the "I'm so tired after running 5 miles and my fastest time ever, LOL". Well, the urge to respond with "your Father would still be disappointed with you" is a little overwhelming at times. Jesus people, just be honest.

Blatantly inaccurate posts - This actually applies mostly to politics but not always. Ok, I'm going to lay this out once, plain and simple. If you follow this advice, not only will you win the internet, but people will stop unfriending you. Ok, ready because this is important, here it is.

There is exactly ZERO things in this world that will force people to only put true things on the internet. Even the slowest typist will only take seconds to open a second browser tab and use Google to fact check something before they post it.

If you get your political news from a site with the words "conservative" "progressive" or "liberal" in the title you can pretty much guarantee it's not a legitimate news outlet. This is not rocket science, it's people with an agenda preying on people who share their beliefs. This advice also goes for miracle diets and exercises that defy logic. Eating more cucumbers is not going to cure my diabetes.

Life is wonderful...always Just like humblebraggers, we all have good things in our lives that we like to share. This is a good thing. But not in excess. Some people just feel compelled to post constantly about how wonderful their lives are, and only how wonderful their lives are. Not just wonderful, but better than everyone else. It's social media people, not a marketing campaign. Everytime I read about how someone saying they have the best husband ever because he made her and their one child dinner I die a little inside. It's that much worse if they tag it with a "feeling blessed" emoji. Again the urge to respond is overwhelming. Just once i would like to reply with "Well, I spent twelve years cooking for my three kids and my disabled wife, I can only aspire to be as great as your Adonis of a husband". But sarcasm is lost on some people so there is the alternative, but it's a little offensive. But I do love offensive...

I'd love to simply tag them and post "Feeling so blessed right now! #bestblowjobever #sheswallowed"

It would be worth getting unfriended.

Today was a bad day

Some days are just bad, it's how the world works. Having a great attitude and being optimistic are very good things, but they really can't prevent a bad day from happening. Today was a bad day.

I recognize that I'm an emotional person, and I can typically control them perfectly well in most situations. I know I have an old soul, even my mother used to say that I was the only 30 year old teenager she had ever met. So I've always had the ability to retrospectively examine my life and my choices a lot more honestly than most people do. Having the ability to hear my conscience with great clarity gives me the ability to circumvent my ego and do the right thing most of the time, not the easy thing.

But a human can only be knocked down some many times before they think twice about getting back up. Worse yet, while you're down there you question a lot of the other things that have happened to you to put you there. How many thing aren't fate but bad choices? Have I failed my children by not being able to provide the things they needed? Have I spent so much time surviving that I ignored the emotional needs of those around me? Worst of all, has my conscience lead me astray by overriding my judgement?

Tomorrow I'll remind myself that even the worst emotional scars, even the ones that are tattooed on our souls, will eventually fade over time.

Tomorrow I'll remind myself that I've done the best with what I had to work with and that many others would not accomplished what I have, given the same circumstances.

Tomorrow I'll get back up again, because I'm a stubborn son of a bitch and I refuse to give up. I know that the difference between a winner and a loser is that the winner got back up one more time than the loser did.

Tomorrow I'll remember that my children need to see that hardship and heartbreak are merely obstacles in our path, not the end of our roads. That we are stronger than we think and that nothing we face is impossible to overcome in time.

Tomorrow I need to get back up and support my family, be that is the thing I cherish most of all.

Tomorrow I will do these things, today I need to hurt and accept that I am not invincible. Today was a bad day.

In my own defense, I am funny

The class clown, the funny guy at work, or the friend who's always cracking up the people in your group of friends, what do they have in common? Almost all of them are using the comedy as a way to defend themselves. So many people were shocked by Robin Williams depression and heartbreaking choice to end his own life, but most of the "class clowns" out there already knew that funny people are rarely as happy as their humor may indicate.
Here's one simple tidbit that you might find interesting, if you get to know me and one day I seem depressed or moody, it's not because I'm having a bad day, it because I finally trust you enough to tell you how I'm really feeling. It's because you've made it past the front I put up for people I don't trust, so I can keep them at a safe distance. It's likely that it was simply the first time that I was comfortable enough around you to drop the act.
I'm not proud that my humor can also be my defense mechanism but it is a part of my personality. True, it gets you some immediate popularity in situations where you're uncomfortable around new people, but it's also an easy way to keep people at a safe distance. When I enter a conversation and someone says something hurtful, my response is a self effacing humorous retort. Broke my heart? Sounds like its time to throw out a one liner.
I know I would love to tell you that I'm a bad ass who can bite a piece of metal and spit out nails. Chuck Norris? Never heard of her. But I'm not that tough, I take criticism to heart and a joke can be an effective way to disarm someone that I see as a threat. I genuninely care about what people think of me and want to be liked, even though I know that realistically, I can't get along with everyone and will not be liked by everyone.
It may hurt some of my friends to know that I'm keeping them at a safe distance, but in my own defense I am funny, and as my own defense I am funny.